Bad Hemingway
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last update: 16 december 2000

A Bad Hemingway Story Characters
(as of 6/23/00)

MAKE NOTE: these descriptions give away a lot of the incredible twists in the story. They are here to help our authors. The Curator strongly recommends that you read all existing chapters before perusing this list of characters.

in order of appearance:

Fred: once fought Maria over Enrique, once worked on the Gran Santiago Railroad. Impatience revealed through shaky hand. Freed the bulls that run with Maria and the Patriatos.

Maria Ibiza: a man named Maria, younger than Fred, involved with Enrique.

Enrique: a woman with a hairlip who Fred and Maria once fought over.

The Inglese: also known as John, a mildly effeminine mountain guide, real name Derrick

Madonna: a singer who beds both men and women

Old Man of the Beach: boy-watching elder from Maria's youth

Esmerelda: Maria's boyhood friend

Joquin: a bar fly and lover of matadors, Enrique's fallback or perhaps a temporary flame

Victoria: an American woman from Georgia Maria was once involved with

The Patriatos: sombrero wearing, tequilla drinking guerillas

Fellini:the leader, killed by the train carrying the bulls that run
once killed a man with a guitar string, was killed by El Presidente's men
a dwarf

Marta: a prostitute with a wooden leg and a taste for cigars, waiting perpetually for the return of Ignacio, her lover

Ignacio: a talking horse. Went off to fight in the Great War and never returned.

Fabricia: a prostitute from California

Ramon: a 300kg (700lb) one armed assassin, hired by The Inglese to kill Enrique. Hails from Heces De Nuestros Santos Toros De Los Lugares Muertes. Lost his arm to the Great White Marlin.

Santos: a bully that Ramon killed as a boy

Pilar: a thin man

Concertina: a whore who had spit in her flan

El Presidente: is hunting for Maria, Fred, and the Patriatos

The Cap'n: Mediterreanean Sea captain searching for the Great White Marlin and a poor player of "Go Fish". Brother of Ramon, the one armed assassin.

LeMarcus: the boatswain

The Great White Marlin: the fish the Cap'n is obsessed with finding, killing, and eating

Gustavus: the first mate, a man with a high pitched voice hailing from Sicily. Emasculated by a bull during the Festival of St. Augustus the Blind Barber of Satimia. Fought for the British Navy for a spell. Once sang for the Pope.

Miguel: a ship's cook who dreams of bullfighting

Ghepetto Vespa: Gustavus' father

Immaculata: Gustavus' mother. Died of fever induced by depilatory poisoning.

Sister Carmelita Appelonia de Francisco: Mother Superior at the Convent of Our Couragous Corsican. Cared for Gustavus after his accident with the bull.

Edguardo: an unkempt Whore

Philippe el Ramone: captain's favourite lad

Ricardo: member of the captain's crew

1999-2000 by J.Cisek and these folks